Oh hey! As you might have gathered, I really like reading. Also, I really like writing, and I really like acting. Now, I’m pretty sure I’ve never talked about history on my blog. For most people, this isn’t a sign that they don’t like history. It’s just a sign that they don’t like talking about it, but I really frakking like talking about things I like. I assure you, if I liked history as much as I like, say, Galen Tyrol, or theater class, I would talk about it nonstop.
Okay, I’m really not sure if that last paragraph made sense to you, but it basically said, “I’m not a huge fan of learning about history.” That said, yesterday I sat down to watch a two-hour-long documentary about American history, which is probably my least favorite kind of history. There was a narrator who loved using the word “ragtag” to describe the American army, only instead of saying it like a normal person, he kept pronouncing it “RAAAGtag.”
However, I’m not complaining. I learned a lot of interesting stuff, so without further ado, let me present your American History lesson of the day.
So. People sailed over to America, but it was cold and a lot of them died, but they found Native Americans who helped them plant and hunt and stuff. The Americans were happy, so they massacred the rivals of the Native Americans who helped them. To celebrate, they had a dinner we now call Thanksgiving. I think my first-grade teachers left that little fact out out of our Thanksgiving play. My God, we have a messed up country. Then they evolved and blah blah blah, and all of a sudden BAM! New York! New York is awesome, and the Americans love New York! But the Americans didn’t want to pay taxes, and the King of England or something wanted them to, so the Americans dumped a bunch of tea into the ocean. Bad move, America. If you had dumped the tea into like, a lake, that would’ve been the most delicious cup of tea ever, but noooo, you had to frak up and dump it in saltwater. Fail.
The King sent over his army, the Redcoats, to keep the New Yorkers in line, but the Americans were angry and so the Redcoats killed like, five of them. Everyone got angry and blah blah blah, massacre, war fight fight fight! The Redcoats occupied New York (Am I the only one who gets reminded of New Caprica by this?) and one out of every five women was a prostitute. Fun fact! (Well, okay, that part doesn’t remind me of New Caprica, except for hookerish Ellen Tigh.)The Americans didn’t have an army, and the Redcoats were awesome at fighting, so they fought a couple of times and then the Americans decided to make an army out of like, blacksmiths and stuff, only No Girls Allowed (I told you this was some messed up history)! They went to this one place and it was freezing and then they got smallpox and then some genius tried to inoculate them by (ew!) rubbing the pus of infected people into the open wounds of uninfected people. It worked, and only one out of fifty patients who were inoculated died. Hooray!
The American army still wasn’t very awesome, but then they adopted this guy who wasn’t accepted in his country or wherever because he was gay (aaand we could learn a lesson from that). He taught them about swordguns and then they were awesome fighters yaaaaaay! Some important guy got shot in the head and then they had a war and then I sort of forgot what happened after that, but we won.
Aren’t you just amazed by my impressive knowledge of our history. Pshaw. Just kidding!
Unawesome: Um, when you drop a plate on your foot. That was Thea’s contribution. Apparently that once happened to her.