Today, I’m at my grandma Abby’s house again, and I’m wearing my Wrockstock ’08 T-shirt (the one with the butterfly). My grandpa stared confusedly at it before looking at the back of the shirt, where the band list is printed. He then proceeded to read off the list, which included “Draco and the Molfoys and The Rumpus Lumpins.” Um… not quite. 😉 (That was supposed to be a little winking smiley face, all, “Oh, Grandpa, you’re so funny!”, but it turned out looking all worried.)
So, last night, I went to a little Chinese restaurant with my grandparents. There’s really no good way to introduce this. All I can say is that the Chinese restaurant is owned by a very short, very nice lady named Kim. Right as we opened the door, we saw her and a girl who looked about my age. Kim had brought out a bag of jelly beans and offered the girl some. The girl smiled and took two or three. Kim shook her head, grabbed the girl’s hand, and loaded her with about a million beans.
After a while, Kim came over to our table as we ate and told me to dip the egg roll I was eating into horseradish.
Freaking horseradish, y’all. Yuck. I sort of tried to laugh it off, but then she kept standing there until I ate the frakking horseradish. So I dipped the tiniest portion of the egg roll imaginable into the horseradish sauce. And I ate it.
I actually put so little on I couldn’t taste the sauce. *CRISIS AVERTED!*
But no. That was not all. At one point, she came over to the table to harass my grandpa (Ed, a.k.a. Lyon) because whenever my grandma’s out of town (which she is quite a lot, for business), he comes to Kim’s restaurant, being not that adept at cooking.
Kim: You clean the house for your wife when she’s traveling, Ed! (Then, I swear to All That is Holy, she smacks his freaking arm)
Lyon: Yeah, I… I sometimes clean the house for her.
Kim (to Abby): Does he clean the house for you when you’re out of town?
Abby (laughing): No way.
Lyon: I’m busy!
Kim: He brings different girlfriend here every time.
Abby (laughing): Bet they’re not very pretty.
Kim: No, they’re not pretty like you.
At this point, she left and we were left to eat our dinner in temporary peace. When I was full, Abby quickly scooped the rest of my food onto the main platter so Kim wouldn’t see I didn’t eat it all (apparently, she would’ve force-fed it to me).
Right as we were getting ready to leave, Kim brought over, I kid you not, about fifteen or twenty fortune cookies. For real. And then she proceeded to practically force-feed me jelly beans. Then she gave me two lollipops, and kept calling me a “smart lady,” for reasons I have yet to fathom.
Kim: How old are you? Thirteen or fourteen?
Me: Oh, um, twelve.
Kim: Ahh! So tall!
Me: Yeah… tall dad.
Kim: You bring him here next time!
Abby: Her mom’s short, though, she’s five-five.
Kim: Oh! Bring your mom, too! Bring whole family!
And that is how I came to be force-fed jelly beans, promised I would bring my whole family to a little Chinese restaurant, and saw my grandpa get assaulted for not cleaning. All in one night. I’m like a champion.
Awesome: Wrockstock, Episode Two.
Unawesome: Uh… I don’t know.