Yesterday, Thea and Ruth and I decided we would make cookies.
Actually, Thea’s brother Miles asked us to make them, because he “never gets cookies when we make them.” Apparently. I think he’s had some before, and also he’s always all negative and “Ohhhh, your cookies are going to suck! Blah blah blah!”
But whatever. I like making cookies. Cookies are fun to eat, and I feel productive when I make then, ’cause I should be cleaning my room and stuff but cookies are a tastier substitute.
I’ve made cookies at Thea’s house before, so you’d think maybe I’d learn that making cookies there is like, a thousand-hour ordeal. But I thought, “You know, whatever! This is going to be fun!”
And it was. It certainly was fun, but there were, uh, challenges.
First of all, you should know that all the appliances in their house are sort of ancient. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but keep it in mind.
Getting all the ingredients together wasn’t very hard at first, until Thea saw the food coloring.
Thea: Food coloring! Yes! We’ll dye the cookies!
Me: Dye… the chocolate chip cookies?
Thea: (sounding slightly offended) Yes.
Ruth: How about we dye some of them?
Me: Yeah! Let’s color only some of the cookies!
Thea: But- whatever. What color? I vote for green.
(Note that the only colors we had were green, red, and blue.)
Ruth: Um… blue.
Blue cookies it is.
There were many complications, but none worth mentioning until the brown sugar. The brown sugar was ridiculously clumpy and hard and im-frakking-possible to pack into a measuring cup, so Kim suggested that we microwave it with a little bowl of water next to it to moisturize the air or something. I don’t know. So we put the sugar in the microwave with the little bowl of water right beside it, though Kim suspects someone mistakenly put water in the brown sugar bowl.
What happened next can only be described as a small explosion.
I don’t quite remember what happened, only that Thea screamed so I looked at the microwave and she had opened the door and there was a bowl of crazy brown-ness inside, and really, it looked like the brains had been blown out of it. The sugar-substance was all poofed up like a souffle, I think, but I don’t know quite what a souffle looks like. There was brown goop on the entire left side of the microwave (Ruth took a picture on her phone but accidentally deleted it.).
I screamed. Ruth looked at it and screamed.
Me: KIM KIM KIM KIM WE BLEW IT UP!
Kim ran into the kitchen and just started laughing and laughing. We scraped the brown sugar goop out of the inside of the microwave and vowed to get a new one. Quite anticlimatic, but it was exciting while it lasted!
Turns out the only functional electric mixer-beater-thing they had was from the frakking seventies, but at least it worked. Sort of. One person had to stand by the socket holding the cord at exactly the right angle for it to actually work. Whenever Thea wanted me to pull the plug or turn it on, I tried to make her say “Engage!” or “Make it so!” to make me feel cool. She did. Once.
Thea was mixing the dough and she told me to turn it off, so I started trying to pull the plug out.
The issue was, she had already taken the beater out of the bowl, thinking it was off. Dough. Flew. Everywhere.
After a while, we had everything cleaned up (for the most part). We put the blue dye in some of the cookies and put the first batch in, but after about a minute it was clear that they were all butterily gross and soggy and messy.
We added flour and put them back in. No joy. I flopped down on the ground, exasperated (literally-I’m dramatic), and Thea threw that batch away and added more flour to the other ones. The now-melted chocolate in the first messed up batch had turned the dough brown, but I was like, “Whatever! It’s just, like, um… double-chocolate-chip!” Thea said they looked like dog crap.
That was when we noticed that our blue cookies were looking decidedly, um, green. Sort of mossy green. Mossily delicious. We were probably the only ones who would ever eat them. But that wouldn’t deter us.
Then Miles walked into the kitchen, and we explained the abnormal cookies. He was annoyingly silent and probably all negative, so I may have yelled stuff like “YOU WILL TRY THE COOKIES AND YOU WILL LIKE THEM, NEGATIVE JERK! THEY ARE DELICIOUS! THEY ARE GOING TO BE AWESOME! NAYSAYER!”
Not much actually happened from then until we finished. The “double-chocolate” ones were looking less weird. The green ones were… um… still green, but they actually tasted delicious, if I do say so myself.
Miles tried them, as did Max and his girlfriend Sunshine. They liked them. Freaking naysayers.
Awesome: “Don’t Unplug Me” by ALL CAPS.
Unawesome: Getting cookie dough on the walls.
P.S. OhmyGod I finished Will Grayson, Will Grayson. LOVE.